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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Delta Farce

This last week when I went to the Essex Cinemas to see Delta Farce it looked a little more like a scene from a zombie movie, but then I realized that swing manager Austin Whitaker hadn’t really joined the leagues of the undead. No, he was just dragging his feet a little (okay, a lot) because he’d been celebrating his recent graduation with a BA in Business Management from Champlain College perhaps a wee bit too much. Even so, congratulations to Austin! He is always a wonderful asset to have around the theater and also around the community at large, thanks in part to his work as a member of the Essex Volunteer Fire Department. What a guy! Austin rocks! If you see him, be sure to send him your congrats as well. He certainly deserves them. And while you are at it, don’t forget to give kudos to his mom, Jane, as well, for all her support along the way.

But back to guys:
Delta Farce is definitely a “guy’s” movie. It is the remedy for any man who feels his testicles may have shriveled after sitting with his wife or girlfriend through a viewing of Georgia Rule. There is nothing politically correct, nothing tasteful, nothing meaningful, nothing intelligent, and nothing worthwhile about Delta Farce. In other words, it’s just one long dumb joke ~ the perfect guy movie. Hey, you were expecting Citizen Kane? It stars Larry the Cable Guy, for crikey sake!

Larry (aka Dan Whitney in real real life in case anyone cares) plays (get this!) Larry, a dimbulb waiter in a theme restaurant that requires him to wear a stupid way-too-small (insert laughs here) costume. After embarrassing himself by proposing to his pregnant girlfriend in front of everyone in the restaurant only to have her respond, also in front of everybody, with the news that the baby isn’t his, then finds himself at a crossroads in his life.

When his “weekend gig” as a National Guardsman turns into a surprise order to ship out to Iraq he is not nearly as bothered as his two cohorts and best friends, Bill (Bill Engvall; from “Blue Collar TV”) and Everett (D.J. Qualls; I’m Reed Fish). These guys could easily put The Three Stooges to shame when it comes to dumb stunts and stupid moves. Seriously. These guys make ‘stupid’ seem like a step up the evolutionary scale. And
to those easily offended by insulting language, you’d best beware of what you are getting into. I remember a woman months ago who was deeply offended when I said I felt “socially retarded” when it came to the latest trends in my review of Eragon. She was furious at me. I think this could kill her outright, as these guys repeatedly refer to one another as “retarded” and “mongoloid.” Everett, in particular, takes to the appellation “Mongoloid” and even ends up referring to himself as that. Otherwise, he is just another plain old “Candy Ass” which seems to be the general term of endearment given all of the recruits by their tough commanding officer, Sergeant Kilgore (Keith David; Transporter 2). Anyone familiar with Keith David’s work, and I’m sure you will recognize him even if you don’t know him by name since he has many, many credits (usually playing tight-reigned military types, high-strung cops, or evil drug lords), will wonder how he ended up in Delta Farce. I don’t have an answer to that. Maybe it was a lost poker hand or something, but whatever the reason he brings the greatest laughs of all because he isn’t funny and doesn’t try to be. By letting himself be the butt of Larry and the gang’s pranks and accidents, David steals the show simply by steaming, screaming, and raging throughout as he is humiliated and abused over and over again. I only wish I’d bet someone years ago that someday I’d see Keith David in a movie wearing nothing but some red Victoria’s Secret lingerie and boxer shorts. I could have cleaned up BIG TIME thanks to this movie.

First off, they bury the Sgt. (alive) after this trio of twits is accidentally jettisoned from their plane on route to Iraq (with the Sergeant dragged along, tangled up in some rope tied around the cargo) when they mistake his unconscious body for a corpse. From there, things only go downhill between the men and their commander after they leave him stranded in the desert of “Iraq” and go in search of the insurgents.


It takes quite a while before the boys figure out that they are actually in rural Mexico, not Iraq. In the meantime, they do manage to do battle with a local band of “terrorists”, part of a gang led by Carlos Santana (no, not the singer, and yes, they use that joke about twenty times in the movie). This Carlos (Danny Trejo; Grindhouse) may be a badass amongst the natives of the small town of Miranda, where the guys end up, but he’s not so much of a challenger that it isn’t that difficult for the combined brain-trust of these stooges to whip. What? You thought there would be a complex plot blanketed with layers of character development and riddled with subtle ennui and statements about social disorder? This is a Larry the Cable Guy movie,
People. This one is a classic compared to Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector if for no other reason than the fact that this one has kept its fart jokes to less than a gross gross. It’s not about the plot. It’s about the jokes, and they do come rapid-fire, which is Larry’s trademark. Apparently he believes that if you fire off a hundred jokes an hour at least some of them are bound to find their target. He just hopes there are enough to make you want to come back for his next movie.

Delta Farce won’t kill too many brain cells if you look at it directly with both eyes open. It might help if you go in with the same expectations you usually save for a Smurf cartoon and then you’ll have a rollicking good time. I’ll admit I did laugh out loud at least four times, which is four times more than I did in Georgia Rule, so what does that tell you?

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