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Saturday, February 09, 2008

Fool's Gold

The first time I heard the term “Fool’s Gold” was when I was crying on the shoulder of my best friend William back during the Pleistocene Age. My first husband, aka the Spawn of Satan, and I had just broken up and I was devastated because I was young and stupid and didn’t know how lucky I was at the time to dodge the bullet that was named Dennis. William explained that Dennis was the perfect example of “Fool’s Gold”, something that looks like the real thing but isn’t what you think it is. I, of course, being born bitter and cynical replied that Dennis looked like something that came out of the back end of St. Bernard (the dog not the Abbott) and when I stepped right in the middle of it, it sure smelled like the real thing. Okay, so it wasn’t the best analogy, but like I said, I was young and stupid. I must have been or I wouldn’t have been in this predicament in the first place. Oh, that and I was horny, which comes with the other two as a given I suppose.

Ironically, it was a jeweler who uncovered what a nefarious weenie my spouse really was. When I took my wedding ring in because the setting seemed loose, the jeweler told me that tin wasn’t going to last very long. Tin? Dennis told me was platinum. Then the jeweler showed me the “diamond” under his scope and pointed out the © sign that followed a fragment of the tell-tale “a” from the familiar Coca Cola script I knew all too well.

When I told William about this, he came up with a scathingly brilliant plan, which is a phrase he should copyright since he always comes up with the best of them, even to this day. So, knowing Dennis never denied himself anything as he had just purchased a brand new bright red Porsche; it was clear what the target would be.

It’s amazing what jewelers will do if you ask them ~ and pay them for their services. This particular jeweler was more than happy to put a real diamond in the cheap band dirtbag Dennis pawned off
on me. I especially asked that one side be left a sharp cut rather than rounded as most diamond cutters insist so that they will not accidently hurt the wearer (since diamonds are the hardest and sharpest stones around). Naturally, the jeweler protested at first, but William plied him with a few bills and I left the store wearing a magnificent diamond in that crappy tin setting. Tin. Just the word still makes my teeth grate.

That oral pain fades though every time I remember my last argument with my “dear” husband. We were in the driveway of what had once been our home (as I planned) and I pointed out to him that I knew for a fact that he cared more for his car than he ever did for me. With that, I gave the hood a firm but seemingly innocuous pat and ran my left hand innocently up along my route past the length of the vehicle, covering the windshield, the roof, the back window and the trunk before losing contact and marching off to a waiting taxi. Oh, did I mention that my newly improved wedding ring was turned inward and so it left a permanent scar from one end to the other of my soon-to-be-ex-husband’s “baby”? I know it was an evil thing to do, but he left a permanent scar on my heart, so I felt justified at the time. Besides, as awful as it was, it was fun.

Speaking of fun, the movie called Fool’s Gold opened this week at the Essex Cinemas and my current (and perfect) husband of the past twenty-seven years and I went together on what has become a sort of traditional date night of our own. And may I say that Fool’s Gold is the perfect date movie. It is a bright, funny, action-packed picture, and it has enough delicious skin of both sexes showing to get the engines going for both parties on the date. Yummmmmmy.

The skin we are talking about belongs to stars Matthew McConaughey (Failure to Launch) and Kate Hudson (You, Me and Dupree), neither of whom is overly-clothed in this one. McConaughey plays treasure hunter Benjamin Finnegan, who has spent ten years looking for the supposed underwater booty of a late 16th century ship carrying the dowry of the Queen of Spain that shipwrecked in a hurricane. In order to finance his search, Finnegan has borrowed up to his eyeballs and beyond, and has especially gotten in deep doody with a famous
rap star named Bigg Bunny (Kevin Hart; Scary Movie 4), who supported Finnegan’s search and now wants his money back or his cut of the treasure. The trouble is, Finnegan has just found what he considers proof that the treasure even exists, but he doesn’t have any actual goods to impress Bigg Bunny or the cash he wants, so Bigg Bunny instructs his goons Cordell (Malcolm-Jamal Warner; Contradictions of the Heart) and Curtis (Brian Hook; tv’s “Eve”) to kill Finnegan, and soon there is a running joke throughout the film about the incompetence of the assassins because no matter what they do to off the underseas adventurer he keeps popping up again at just the right, or, in their case, the wrong times.

While Finnegan continues his hunting, his estranged wife Tess, who is now working as a steward on a luxury yacht, arranges with her employer, gazillionaire Nigel Honeycutt (Donald Sutherland; tv’s “Dirty Sexy Money”), to drop anchor in Key West so she can finalize her divorce from the man she still loves but considers too irresponsible and too big of a dreamer with which to settle down and make a
permanent life.

Well, with the money dried up and his search needing an infusion, Finnegan is drawn like a bee to honey by the 154 foot yacht anchored in the bay, knowing that whoever owns the boat has to have a have another one around ~ that proverbial boatload of money everybody refers to.

Hijinks ensue as Finnegan crosses paths with Honeycutt’s dumber-than-dumb daughter Gemma (Alexis Dziena; Sex and Breakfast), who makes Paris Hilton look like an MIT valedictorian. More hijinks follow once Finnegan actually ends up on board and he comes face-to-face with his ex-wife, who he doesn’t know works on the ship. Before long, though, everybody onboard is a part of the treasure hunt and they find themselves involved in all kinds of competition with Bigg Bunny’s team to dredge up the Queen’s missing jewels.

The rest of the movie turns into a real DaVinci Code mystery/adventure with more than a few life-threatening situations coupled with great stunts, mixed with just the right dose of romance to make for a terrific couple of hours in the theater.

Queensland, Australia plays the part of the Bahamas and does a wonderful job providing crystal clear waters and inviting beaches that are perfect for those of us buried under more than a few feet of snow this time of year. The chemistry between McConaughey and Hudson is also palatable, surprisingly so. I’m not sure why it comes as such a revelation to me personally, but I suppose I blame it on Hudson. I’m not going to diss her, but I wasn’t sure she’d be strong enough a player to pull her weight against such a powerhouse as People’s “Sexiest Man of the Year.” Yet she does admirably here and her strong, less frenetic demeanor is the perfect balance for McConaughey’s 500-watt smile and constant Tigger-like bouncing about.

My suggestion to you is to do your own bouncing about and bounce right on down to the
Essex Cinemas and check out Fool’s Gold ASAP. Lose your winter blahs and enjoy some good laughs while you are at it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

ah, clam, you out did yourself on this one. I thoroughly enjoy your reviews and this one had me rolling in my kitchen. I love you - VTLSBN