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Monday, August 25, 2008

House Bunny (The)

I just have to say that I personally resent the fact that I have been a dumb blonde for at least twice as long as Anna Faris (Mama's Boy) has been alive so it galls me that she is rolling in millions for pretending to be something that I am without even thinking about it. When I told this to my perfect husband he said that with my kind of logic then instead of showering $50 million in endorsement deals on Michael Phelps for his dazzling swimming at the Beijing Olympics his sponsors should just dump all that dough on Flipper instead. I’m not sure if he’s insulting me or not, but I’m no damned dolphin that’s for sure! Of course, I’m no Playboy™ bunny either, so I’ll concede that Ms. Faris has me beat in that department. The closest I can come to mimicking the sex appeal of something from the animal kingdom would probably be the Yak because that’s what my husband usually does when he sees me take off my clothes at night. He yaks.

Anna, on the other hand, makes a great Playboy™ bunny in The House Bunny, where she plays mansion favorite Shelley Darlington. Hef (Playboy™ founder Hugh Hefner, natch) seems to adore Shelley, as do his trio of “Playmates” Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt, and Kendra Wilkinson, who star in tv’s "The Girls Next Door" when they aren’t performing rocket science or sleeping with The Cryptkeeper, er, I mean Hefner. Together, they throw Shelley a fabulous 27th birthday party and then, the next morning, after the quartet has departed for Las Vegas, inexplicably, one of Hef’s minions delivers a note supposedly evicting Shelley from the mansion after nine years of orgiastic happiness.

So sets up the premise for The House Bunny as poor Shelley is left homeless and confused. Well, more confused than usual. Naturally, it only makes sense that she would wander straight to a college campus and end up the house mother to the female equivalent of the boys from Revenge of the Nerds.

This is exactly when the movie becomes a PERFECT movie for teen girls (and middle-aged women) with low self-esteem issues because one of the many alleged actresses in this fluff playing a sorority member at the outcast house Shelley takes on is none other than the peculiarly named (and spelled) Rumer Willis (From Within). Most of the world is already aware that Rumer is a tragic genetic experiment gone awry when two (dare I say once ‘hot’?) superstars, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, bred, and, rather than producing a third (baby) superstar, they created this Taterhead instead. Now far be it from me to say anything cruel or unsavory about anyone, but, Sweeties, please. This girl is just sad. You see her and want to cover all the nearby mirrors and hide the Fryolater™. What’s even more pathetic is that Shelley thinks that with “a little make-up” she can magically turn the girls of Zeta House from being scorned to being worshipped by all the guys on campus and have every young woman even vaguely thinking of pledging a sorority immediately lining up at Zeta’s door. This is where the movie enters Fantasyland. Let’s face it. I’m sorry, Taterhead, but you can put lipstick on a pig and call it an actress but it is still a Taterheaded pig.

This is what makes the movie so fulfilling as a self-
esteem booster. The messages are clear: 1) you can blame almost everything on your parents’ lousy chromosomes; 2) you can get anything you want if you just slut yourself up enough, and 3) you should always follow the advice of a marginally-competent Playboy™ bunny who comes into your life off of the streets regardless of how well you know her or her background (e.g., ignore those needle marks up and down her arms).

In reality, the humor of
The House Bunny is as broad as Kim Kardashian’s backside and it’s all good. Of course shenanigans were involved in Shelley’s booting from the mansion so you don’t have to worry about hurt feelings or unresolved issues because before The House Bunny is over everybody ends up as happy as… well, as happy as a pig in mud, making it the perfect summer treat.

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